Sunday 31 July 2011

It’s work but not as you know it. The dreaded return to your JOB.

WORK.

Like you haven’t been doing it for the last year.  Carrying an irregular-shaped ton around in your abdomen while the little dear bounces on your bladder and makes you feel oh so sick but oh so hungry at the same time.  But eating the tiniest thing makes you full. And I’m not going to go into the other pregnancy things because they still make me shudder…

Then that DAY when you’re in constant pain for 24 hours before the poor wee creature is ripped out of you in the most horrendous, undignified way possible (this may just be you, Nic, I’m sure other people DO have “orgasmic births”, oh wow did you see that elephant zoom past the window..?). I can say this now as my friend has had her baby, a boy, yay! But anyway, back to the point.  So yeah, not a great time before the blighter enters your life, and then you go without sleep for roughly six months (at least) and your existence then becomes some kind of hell/ joy dichotomy. At three in the morning I ALWAYS think back to my Psychology degree days and how I’m pretty sure there was a study showing that sleep-deprived rats died. They DIED.  And that is how it feels, a bit like you’re going to DIE of exhaustion.  I’m sorry but I told you before I was honest didn’t I?  But somehow, mummies have evolved to stay alive, they just feel and look like shit all the time instead, and if anyone is unfortunate (or stupid) enough to cross them, well, they ain’t gonna be offered a lovely cup of tea are they??

Digressing, but speaking of cups of tea, there is NO WAY people should EVER expect a mum of a baby under 6 months to make one.  I made MANY cups of tea in the first few weeks of having the Duck, and now I just think WWHHHHHHAAAATTTT??? To be fair I doubt it even resembled tea, the state I was in, but come on.  Poor woman just had to go through all of that and now lives like a zombie, compelled to smile at well-wishers, so if you’re going to visit you can make your damn cuppa yourself! I vow to myself and all of my friends right here and now I will NEVER let you make a cup of tea in my presence when you have a small one.  

This is sounding a tad like a moan, but I feel I must be honest with you Nic.  You’re not going to have a gentle, hippy, transcendent birth in a pool of lurve with whales chatting blissfully in the background. I can’t explain the first few weeks of having Little ‘Un because you won’t get it until you do it.  

ANYWAY, back to the original subject, back to work!  Yes, you have been working really hard all these months, but now comes the time to wear a few hats.  It’s scary because it seems like there is so much to organise and so many tasks to juggle.  There are, but I promise you will be FINE.  Honestly, (and I think we can determine I’m honest…) it is FINE.

After a few days back you will stop being quite so crazy, you have to let go and try to trust that the caregiver knows what they’re doing.  Try to limit calls if you must call to once a day, and know that they can contact you if they need to.  Saying that, I don’t have a boring desk job or access to a phone at work so maybe it’s easy for me to keep busy and distracted.  I think in a way, it’s good to work because then you can talk to more adults and be something other than Mummy.  As much as you love being Mummy, it’s nice to have your other skills appreciated.  Some people claim being a stay-at-home-mum is boring.  I don’t see how that is possible unless you have no imagination and do nothing with your kids.  But still, I think working part-time helps keep me a bit rounded.  Yes, yes, the cakes keep me rounded too, ha fucking ha.  

You do have to be a bit of a hard-ass when leaving your kids to go to work.  It might sound obvious Nic, as I know you’ve been on the receiving end of parents who linger for an hour seemingly to MAKE little Jimmy cry before they leave, just so they know he’ll miss them. You kiss them goodbye and leave.  No song and dance or everyone gets upset. You KNOW that as soon as you’re gone they will be merrily playing in the sandpit as if you never existed. It’s good for them to be independent! Kids who go to nursery cope better with school too.

I’m not an advocate of going back to work really early by the way, not at all, and if you don’t have to that is AWESOME. But lots of us need to, and a year is an ok time I reckon. Like I say, it IS work having a baby, just not as you know it.  So you need time to do your child-rearing job effectively and get everyone in the house settled and into a routine.  I HATE HATE HATE that Katie Apprentice woman who bangs on about how she has had 3 kids and only 5 weeks off for maternity leave in total.  I mean, why have kids? Really?  I don’t see how she can be thinking about their welfare AT ALL.  I could slate that stupid, obnoxious, fame-hungry cow all day but I think that’ll do. What an arsehole. Oops.

Ok so we’ve established that being a mum IS work, but at some point you may also have to do a job to bring in some dough. And that will be fine, because after long months of eating nothing but pasta bake and sprouting potatoes, and wearing maternity clothes (yeah it’s not just because nothing fits) and eeking out the remnants of your make-up drawer to cover those ever-expanding eye bags, having that first pay packet in your grubby paws will feel OH SO SWEET.  Yeah, it has to go on baby food and a new load of bibs or whatever… but if you’re very lucky and very cheeky you might even swipe some of it for a brand new pair of knickers.  Or a mascara.  Or a BOTTLE OF WINE. Winner. Ahh the possibilities are endless Nic, go, GO AND SPEND!

Saturday 30 July 2011

Holidays!

We’re back from a lovely holiday and have learnt a few things from our last couple of trips with the Duck, so here you go! 
  • Have a stash of dummies and toys in the car 
  • Take some snacks which may distract/ keep them busy, but which won’t stain or stick to everything (we like ricecakes bestest, apple flavour seems least colourful)
  • You can NEVER have too many baby wipes
  • Have a few tubes of kiddy sun lotion in various places (car/ lodgings/ changing bag) and just get in habit of putting it on first thing even if it doesn’t look particularly sunny. It will save the hassle later. Unless you’re in the highlands of bonny Scotland and it’s snowing or somethin'
  • You can also never have enough sandwich bags.  Sooooo many uses including dummy storage, dirty bib/clothes container, snack holder, spillage avoider...
  • A walker or playpen are really handy if you have the space to transport (travel cot can double as a playpen if Little ‘un is not as fussy as the Duck
  • If you find your Duck is bored of the few toys you take, or you don’t take enough, you can always grab a few extras in a local charity shop! I have a feeling I’ll be using this at various ages!
  • You can never have enough t-shirts/ clothes in general
  • When babies are playing in the sand on the beach for the first time, dummies can be really useful... :)
  • Even if you make up your milk, having a ready made carton in your change bag at all times can be a life saver
  • We tried to pack light (this is fairly impossible with a baby) and only took our one foldy changing mat in the changing bag. Just take another one so a change station is always ready… We learn from our mistakes...
  • If you’re going to be going on lots of day trips, try to let the Duck have at least one proper, undisturbed nap in a cot (rather than in car/ buggy etc)
  • You can never have enough hand sanitiser gel stuff. Call us paranoid...
  • The car boot is perfect for changing nappies!
  • Remember if your baby is weaned they might like to sample the local farm produce too! ;)

Wednesday 20 July 2011

Internet Parenting


Ah, the internet… isn’t it great?  Without the internet how would I have googled “why have my nipples gone brown?” or “my baby is staring” or “postnatal crying”?? 

(For your info ‘future Nic’: All very normal, 1. Darken to provide contrast so your baby can find milk. 2. She’s trying to focus. 3. You will cry at everything for the rest of your life.)

I don’t know how people coped without the internet.  I’m guessing, though, that parents were MUCH less crazy back in the day.  Although it’s great to be able to look up every little thing, if you look up too much it can just end up worrying you more!  And if you’re the kind of person who looks up milestones and “normal” development, it may just totally freak you out and put you under pressure to make your baby achieve.  I’m not like this really - maybe because I work with kids with special needs so anything my luckily fully able baby can do is AMAZING to me. She’s clearly a genius!  Although I must admit I did worry slightly when everyone else’s babies seemed to be crawling before the Duck.  Yeah, those 24 hours felt like an age…

So don’t get too hung up on what the internet says, ok?  It is useful, but not half as reliable as common sense and real life doctors and health visitors.  I think it depends on your luck but my health visitor was great.  You can always guarantee a laugh (appalled laugh) from the ridiculous questions you find people have asked on the internet. When we thought the Duck had an ear infection, she smelt a lot like vinegar.  I still have no idea if that’s normal, but we had to type it in.  If you try it, you will find that other people have babies smelling of ‘metal’, ‘cheese’ and ‘maple syrup’ amongst others.  Some smelt of “vomit”.  Surely that one is a no-brainer?

And remember your INTUITION.  If you feel like something is not right, no one is going to blame you for checking it out with the medics, I was down at the walk-in with a fair few queries and I never got told off for wasting anyone’s time.  

I found signing up for weekly/monthly emails about baby development really useful (Bounty/Baby food companies etc – and Dad Info for the male in your life) because you’re so busy getting on with everything that sometimes you forget things (OK you forget EVERYTHING).  For example, emails served as timely reminders in our household that we needed to start thinking about solid food, or baby-proofing the house, or stocking up on teethers…

Second hand sites like eBay and Gumtree are also AWESOME for buying baby stuff, if you can’t get it free.  You really don’t need things for long at all so go cheap cheap cheap. 

One last thing, internet social sites make it really tempting to show off pictures of your baby at every opportunity. You can’t win. If you put too many on you’re a show off and baby-fanatic.  If you don’t put any on people assume your baby is damn ugly.  So do whatever you want!

Sunday 17 July 2011

Dummies


Dr. Dummy, Captain Von Pacifier, Percy Plug… Whoever invented that smart little piece of plastic is a HERO.  Most nights that’s all the Duck wants.  She’d choose it over a bottle, food, toys… a human, even.  (Perhaps slightly worrying.) I always said we’d wean her off it by the time she was one, as advised by all those experts, but as that age draws closer I really can’t see it happening.  She only really has it at bedtime though, so I think that’s ok.  

The argument against, I think, is from a speech therapist’s point of view.  How can they learn to talk properly with that in their gob all the time? It’s a good point, but I don’t think many people would let their kids have them constantly. And if they were the kind of parents that did that they might have more issues than simply dummy rationing… 

But MY argument is that if a baby’s brain is consolidating all that they have learnt in the day,  then surely it is far better that they have a peaceful night’s sleep sucking merrily away, than writhing around and trying to get comfortable all night.  I do agree they shouldn’t have them too much in the daytime.  But it is VERY easy for me to say that when the Duck is so young.  Nowhere near the terrible twos and all that, and when you’re in the queue at the post office and your kid won’t stop singing “yes, my name is Iggle Piiiiiiiggle…Iggle Piggle wiggle wiggle wiiiiiiiiii-GUUUUL” (as my husband now does) I bet they’re REALLY useful.

One tip I will impart, Nic, is don’t forget to get new, bigger dummies as your baby grows. When they’re too small they fall out and little D will wake up twice as often hunting for them! Get a nice big one so it is properly wedged in there. And I’ve heard those clips to stop the dummy getting lost are good, but if you have a particularly intrepid little explorer (read meddling fidget) then you may find they accidentally clip it on their bottom lip and create a minor bloodbath in the middle of Tesco.

Friday 15 July 2011

Tippy Toes:

  • Sometimes a 5 minute break is all you need. Turn the baby monitor off, sit down, and think of something else. Everything will seem so much better.
  • If it doesn't, get someone else to take over for an hour. Noone will mind at all, and they won't think badly of you AT ALL. You're going through some shit, and if you were still at work you'd at least get a lunch break, love.
  • Children's TV is really good these days. It's educational. They make the evening programmes all relaxing and everything.
  • You do not have to bathe your baby every day. How would they get dirty? And do you WANT them to have eczema? Until they're on solids. Then 10 times a day should suffice.
  • Your baby can be raised however you like. That's the cool thing about it being yours.
  • Every day you will love that little thing more. Try not to be scared. 
  • It is never too soon to babyproof your home.
  • Don't neglect the cat. When she is hiding under the cot every bedtime, and snuggling up to teddies and baby blankets, take the hint.
  • I may have already said this. But do whatever makes you happy when you can. If that means shoving a doughnut in your face at 3 am, go for it! You need the frigging energy and you deserve it!

Will you be my fwend?


Dear Me back then, 

Wow, I bet you never thought you’d have to make new friends.  

Remember that social awkwardness when you moved schools and you had the wrong school jumper and a boy’s haircut and were taller than anyone in the WORLD?  You thought that was behind you didn’t you? Well I’m afraid in the first few weeks after your little ‘un is born, quite despite the fact that you’re walking like John Wayne, you feel like a giant leaky udder and have no clothes which don’t make you look like a droopy ball sack, this is actually quite an important time for forging new relationships.
It’s tempting to retreat into the mess that is your home at the moment, but don’t! You’ve got to get out there and meet other poor bedraggled mummies, for your sanity! 

You don’t know it yet, but some of the friends you have had for many years may suddenly be lost, just like the specs that drop off your nose as you flush the loo (mum).  I won’t go into why, Nic, but my other advice is to maybe just slope off quietly if your offspring-less friends bang on about being tired. TIRED.  It will annoy the crap out of you, but just leave them to it.  All in good time Nicola, all in good time. 

Just disappear gracefully and invest your time in new friendships where people will “get” you. That’s right; you’re going to have to enrol in Mummy club.  You’re probably going to meet a fair few duds, who really do ONLY talk about babies, but keep trying, and you’ll find those other gangster mummies who couldn’t give a flying fuck about how you’re SUPPOSED to wean.  Don’t be worried about looking like a loser when you invite new people out, you can bet that they feel just as out of their depth as you.  And when you all admit to each other that you don’t have a fricking clue how to do up a nappy so that poo doesn’t squelch all the way up Junior’s back (I’m talking up to the neck here) it’s a pretty cool moment.

Wednesday 13 July 2011

Buggy Etiquette


Yeah, this doesn’t exist.

It’s a buggy eat buggy world, plough into or be ploughed upon.  I used to be one of those people who said “What makes parents think that they own the road?  I deserve some pavement too!” but Oh, I have been turned. Well kind of.

If you don’t make room for an oncoming buggy with a precious little bundle in it, that must mean you are a devil-worshipping, baby-killing, no-morals family-hater. In mummy-brains, there is nothing more important than a small dependent child, and they need the pavement much more than you.  Hell, not only that, but imagine, you’re steering the thing with one carpal tunnelled hand (you get that when preggers you know), have bags of shopping cutting into the other hand, you’re so sleep deprived and malnourished that you can’t actually see, and some young leisure centre attendant can’t be arsed to move out of the way because he might scuff his patent lime converses and not be able to wear them to “Bodypopping class” tonight. Oh for fuck’s sake.

Oops, sounded a bit old then. But you catch my drift. I have crossed over to the other side, and to quote the inimitable Louis CK, “if you don’t have kids, it doesn’t really matter if you die. Your mum might cry, blah blah blah, but really, it doesn’t matter.” Or something like that.

Ok I’m not really THAT bitter, but it is a hell of a lot easier for a person to move if they DON’T have a buggy. Just like you give way to lorries on hills and all that bollocks. 
Starting to sound a bit like my cynical other half now so I might enlighten you (younger, smoother skinned Nic) on the more fun side of buggies!
    
  •  You can carry loads of crap everywhere, yay! Except actually you need lots of crap everywhere, so Boo.
  • You can hide behind it.
  • You get sexy security guards following you because of your stunning good looks (or extra capacity to thieve?)
  • Your baby will love to nap in it so you get some peace. Until that old lady from down the road decides to “walk with you” and admire your “little boy’s lovely pink dress".
  • If you bought a second hand one, you get to whip your battered buggy out of the boot and erect it in seconds, while your mate across the car park with the new-fangled spangled mango pushchair pulls various muscles and gets a black eye from the complicated, stiff new mechanism.
I used “erect” and “stiff” in the same sentence. Which brings me to my final point, just because you have a baby, does not mean you automatically grow up. Well, you grow up in the sense that you have MAHOOOOOOSIVE responsibilities, but you might regress in other ways.  So yeah, we’ve been known to let the buggy go down a hill to see how fast it goes…

Just one last thing Nic, maybe take the baby out first…