Two major things I remembered today!

1) under eye concealer! Very major need for any mum.

2) do not place buggy/trolley near the eggs in the supermarket.

Tippetty Snippets

I haven't done my tips for a while! Here's a few briefly, I feel terrible today, some kind of cold which makes me ache ALL OVER... You will learn, by the way, that even if all you want to do is curl up and die in a duvet, or hurl and hurl and hurl into a bucket, now you're a parent you can only do this with an innocent-eyed, demanding little onlooker, who, if they feel really sorry for you, might not cry too much.

Anyway...

• Always have clothes that don't need ironing. If they are patterned or orange to hide "patches" and staining, all the better.
• Don't take your eyes off them for a second. And if you do decide you need privacy in the toilet, accept the fact that when you emerge there may be a big yellow bruise to feel guilty about.
• The hoover is your friend. It feels like you never have time to use it, but when you do drag it out, give the buggy/high chair/walker a once over, you'd be surprised...
• It sounds stupid, but don't forget to eat. I mean REAL food.
• Don't be afraid to ask the doctor, they're nice to new mums usually, and you need to be well to look after a little 'un.
• Chances are your offspring has so many toys that some get left at the bottom of the box, while they get bored of others. How about a rotation system? (good for cats too :) )
• Fitted sheets are so much easier for cots. But flat sheets for travel cots.
• I don't know why I ever bothered with fabric bibs! Pelican all the way.
• I may have said this already, being the tight-arse that I am... but if they outgrow a favourite babygro, you can snip off the arms and legs to make a romper! And if you're reeeally crafty, make a matching teddy with the offcuts!
• Keep an eye out in sales for things which you always seem to need: vests, socks, hats, bibs.

And take note that they don't always nap as long as you think, even when they are ill and CLEARLY need it... off I go...

Is that a crap?

Just like all kinds of other things which you never really paid attention to before, suddenly these become a daily/ hourly issue and something which seems perfectly acceptable to discuss over coffee, lunch, in the supermarket queue…

When we brought the Duck back from hospital for the first time, we showed her around her house and cuddled her lots, and were so relieved to be out of that place of horror… We relaxed, had real cups of tea, sat on our sofa while she kipped in her Moses basket… and everything was right with the world. Then, during a late night nappy change (which of course involved both of us as it always did back then) panic set in.  What was this in her nappy?  It was so unrecognisable to us that we totally freaked out, this is what happens to their bums?? Holy crap! And as if we weren’t shocked enough, the Duck chose this uncovered bum moment to properly “let rip”, covering the changing mat, floor, and opposite wall in, well, stuff. I’m not sure I could even call it crap. I think I actually screamed. My other half gagged. And then I went into the predictable “Oh my god my baby is going to die, what’s wrong with her? What if she dehydrates and has to go to hospital and gets really ill? Oh my god oh my god!! I don’t know what to do aaaahhhhhhh waaaaaaaa” MELTDOWN.

Ring Mum. Ring friend with baby. Should we go to hospital? All the books say diarrhoea is dangerous for a new baby. So does the all-knowing internet. I’m pretty sure she might die. We’ve killed her.

So that was our first sleepless night. Not because the baby didn’t sleep, but because she did an almighty shit.

The next morning the midwife explained this was entirely normal with the first few days of breastmilk. (Really?? ) Oh right.

You still inspect pretty much every nappy though. There’s a chart for the first few too you know, although how you can chart this muck is a mystery to me.  Basically every nappy is a lucky dip.  We knew one dad who liked to challenge himself by sticking a finger in the side to check if his daughter needed changing… BRAVE…and nuts? 

Some days they poop lots, some days they don’t poop at all, some are squishy, some are not… You start using them as an indicator of health, as a hint of what to change in their diet. It is so bizarre.  You will never look at a crap in the same way. And this is waaayyyy before the potty training even starts…. Oh man….

Baps

Well, they do a lot more than they ever did before.  Their ridiculous enlarging might be your first clue that you’re up the duff, in fact.  That might be cool, depending on how difficult they were to manage in the first place, but stretch marks in that area and changing colour nipples are sooooo not cool. Let alone when they start leaking months ahead of schedule and give you a heart attack when you get out of the shower.  Kind of petrifying, when one minute you’re holding a stick you’ve just peed on indicating your whole life is going to change forever, the next you are actually lactating, Christ!

As I’ve said before, breastfeeding is so lovely and a gorgeous bonding time, and totally natural. BUT, there is nothing wrong with not doing it. Or if things go awry and you need to stop before you intended. It’s not worth any guilt or regret or stress (you may tell yourself this often, Nic) but it’s normal to feel a bit of all that.  This blog post:

http://www.mummycentral.com/2011/04/29/trying-my-breast/

said brilliantly exactly how I felt. 

1. A failure.

2. Pathetic that my massive boobs couldn’t do exactly what they were made for.

and 

3. Confused that professionals and the press dictated that an exhausted, sobbing mother feeding her starving and screaming child blood, scabs and nipple cream was better than a calm, happy mum feeding her contented, comfortable baby plentiful, nourishing milk. 

 Nuff said. Maybe too much information but it’s so true. Remember this.

Back to the humour of baps. Guess what size your boobs are? You will be truly shocked when you get them measured once you have finished with the “non-wired”  droop-encouraging monstrosities you are encouraged to wear during pregnancy and breastfeeding…  And you can get…..wait for it…PROPER BRAs once again! Woo hoo! Real support! And pretty too perhaps… try to convince your lovely bloke to pay for your new over-the-shouler-boulder-holders…

You will probably never look at your baps in the same way again.  And neither will your other half, or your kid. They’re an amazing part of your body with an amazing function, and deserve respect god damn it! In fact, your whole body does, for bringing that gorgeous little creature into the world and feeding and supporting it…

But the nourishment doesn’t stop there…